If there's a piece on merchandise on which Donald Trump can slap his name, he's probably done it, and Trump-branded food items are no exception. There's Trump Ice Natural Spring Water, Trump Steaks, Trump wines, Trump Vodka, and, of course, Trump-branded coffee. It's called Select By Trump, and it's only seems to be available for purchase in those tiny plastic single-brew plastic cups from Amazon.com. There are five different roasts, each named after a Trump-inspired real estate holding. So for a dark roast, try Skyscraper. Clubhouse is the medium roast, and Tower (like Trump Tower on 5th Avenue—do you get it?) is the light roast, available in either regular or decaf. If you want to "Savor the decadence of the French Riviera" with a French vanilla coffee, try Resort.
Now here's the thing about these Trump-branded products: they're notoriously iffy in terms of quality. I mean, Trump likes to eat his steak well-done, which doesn't inspire confidence in his taste for "high-quality" Trump Steaks. I'm particularly skeptical about the Trump-branded coffee, since Trump doesn't even drink coffee, as he told Esquire in June 2015. If that's true, then how would he even be able to identify that so-called "rich and delicately smooth taste," that blend of beans "resulting in a complex burst of delicious flavors one cup at a time" in his own product?
How good is Trump-branded coffee really?
Well, since this coffee is only available on Amazon, I figured I'd go to the customer reviews to find out. Turns out that the coffees have an average rating of three-and-a-half stars, but as with most things related to Trump these days, feelings about Select By Trump were divisive—and, against all of the odds, not totally negative.
"Light and Smooth...," ShannonOnTheLakes
"Coffee that is sold under licence [sic] from The Donald? Ohhhh, the jokes and puns alone are worth the purchase!" wrote ShannonOnTheLakes about the Select by Trump Tower Coffee Single-Cup Coffee on February 4, 2015, a full four months before Trump declared his candidacy to the world. She gave it a 5-star review, writing:
"Delicious! Bold, Rich Flavor," JustJan
JustJan was a big fan of Tower roast back in March 2015, giving it a five-star rating: "Delicious! Bold, Rich Flavor - just what you would expect from the Trump brand! Delightful!"
"I just tasted this coffee By Trump and I had to speak out. I had to speak out!" wrote Alex R. on November 30, 2015 about the Select by Trump Skyscraper Coffee Single-Cup Coffee, giving it a five-star rating. "This coffee is so dark, and so smooth, you are going to LOVE it. You are going to be so happy with this coffee. This coffee is so good and so flavorful you won't need any other flavors. You won't need them!" They continue, "The other big coffee names have zero credibility calling their coffees dark roasts, ZERO. I am amazed they are still in business despite consistently losing millions."
"It's the Best," Betty L. Lewis
"We have been using Trump coffee (Clubhouse) as soon as it hit the market. Having spent time at some of the Trump hotels I know good coffee when I find it," Betty L. Lewis wrote on August 2, 2016, giving the blend a five-star review. "Clubhouse is our favorite for its mellowness and rich flavor." She nodded to Trump's political aspirations but seemed to like him better as a coffeemaker: "I hope it stays on the market regardless of who becomes President. My coffee is not a political matter."
"Great Taste, but Too Weak," Robert Rotondo
Robert Rotondo gave the light roast a three-star review on November 1, 2015: "It has a very nice taste, but it is extremely weak, very watered down. This had a chance to be one of the best tasting coffees, but you have to make the smallest amount to get a good taste, hence, it becomes more expensive than it's worth." Which, to be honest, sounds a bit like Trump himself.
"Really Good Coffee!" Hangmeup
"Honestly, bought these as a novelty, but this is darn fine coffee!" wrote a seemingly surprised Hangmeup on February 22, 2016, with a five-star review for the Select by Trump Clubhouse Coffee Single-Cup Coffee. "I've given away many, and have heard rave reviews."
"Trump Coffee, Your Fired!" Neumahn
"This bold coffee is not afraid to stand out and assert its greatness, unfortunately it is not quite as rich as it claims to be and has occasionally disappointed me with empty promises of being the best tasting coffee only to leave me with a cup bankrupt of flavor," wrote Neumahn on August 29, 2015 about the dark roast—or, you know, Trump himself.
"I heard this coffee was #1 in the coffee polls. 'Terrific, terrific coffee,' he said. 'Drink this coffee and feel better again.' Well, he lied," wrote Mary on June 26, 2016 in this scathing one-star review. "Trump coffee is so bad they should seize all of it, build a wall around it and set it ablaze."
So sure, you could drink Select By Trump if you have a Keurig, and it would probably be totally fine—or you could drink literally any other coffee out there. The choice is yours. (Please register to vote.)