The morning began like any other. I rolled out of bed, bleary-eyed and groggy, and shuddered at the day’s news headlines on my iPhone. Immediately, I went to fire off a few texts peppered with the appropriate emojis to my friends and loved ones. Is that orange-hued buffoon really within range of the Oval Office? If only there was some pictographic image that could convey what I really thought of the man. Some anatomical feature that could be humorously implied via an otherwise innocuous object, say, a peach that looks like a butt. “Why, Apple offers just such a peach emoji for the occasion!” I exclaimed aloud to an empty room. But, oh, how wrong I was.
The most recent Apple iOS update has confirmed what I long heard rumored, but vehemently denied would come true: the peach butt emoji is no more. But instead of just disappearing into the ether like a long-lost lover in the night, the people over at Apple replaced the rump-like version of a prunus persica with a more realistic peach emoji. Just look at it:
Where’s the thinly veiled bawdiness? Where’s the cheeky—cheeky!—whimsy? Where’s my damn peach butt? How am I supposed to drunkenly sext my exes in the middle of the night now, Tim Cook? I take comfort in knowing I’m not alone in my dismay. In the days leading up to the most important election in modern history, the internet is rightly ablaze with indignation.
Peach butt emoji was defiant, its cleft staring into your soul from the illuminated screen of your smartphone. There is no replacing the peach butt emoji, but this is humanity we’re talking about. Our imagination and creativity knows no bounds. If we want butts, then by God, butts we shall have. The new iOS peach can still represent a rump, as long as that rump lives on in our hearts. Peach butt emoji is dead. Long live peach butt emoji.