I've never personally eaten breakfast—but I hear a lot of good things! Unfortunately, it presents too many scheduling conflicts with my rigorous daily colonic routine, so I’ve never really been able to give it a shot (despite being intrigued by all the press that it gets).

 However, as you may know from my many coffee table books; my lifestyle guide, GLOP: Nontoxic, Expensive Ideas That Will Make You Look Ridiculous & Feel Pretentious; my Booker Prize-winning Instagram feed; or that time you had a night terror where I was nude and painting the word “calzone” on your forehead in blood, I always love to learn new things—and become instantly better than everyone else at them! So when Extra Crispy suggested that I share my insights on how to make the perfect breakfast, I immediately took meetings with several top-rated breakfast strategists, my third-best lawyer, Alanis Morrissette, and a lady who sells crop tops that say “Colonic Princess” on Etsy—and I am so excited to share the insights I gleaned! Get ready to start your day off on the right foot—by doing what I would do for breakfast, if I didn’t have that time period permanently dedicated to getting some hot water gently squeezed up my b-hole.

Look At A Sketch Of An Egg

There’s nothing more satisfying first thing in the morning than a nice, robust, protein-packed pencil sketch of an egg! Set the image (framed is ideal, but dry-mounted can work in a pinch) atop your breakfast nook, and meditate on its gentle curves and dynamic form. Where do eggs come from? And what do they do once they get here? Wrestling with these almost zen koan-like questions can bring a more spiritual quality to your day.

And here’s a fun fact: In today’s hyper-connected online marketplace, you don’t have to wait for your art broker to track down a high-quality sketch of an egg—you can easily purchase one with a few clicks of your mouse and then also a phone call to your art broker.

Check In On That Whale You Rescued

Those who keep up with my daily blog know that I am in the middle of learning a hard lesson about what can happen when you don’t read all the fine print before agreeing to help Amal Clooney, Katie Couric, the Rock, and Kate Hudson’s stepdad rescue a baby whale. But as breakfast is a quiet, contemplative time to take stock of personal growth experiences, it’s also a great time to check on that whale that is currently living in your guest lake. As my gal Alanis likes to say, “isn’t it ironic? Also, you need to check on your whale’s water every morning to make sure the algae situation hasn’t gone septic.”

Listen To A Karaoke Version Of Jim Croce’s “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown” 

So filling and centering! (Please resist all temptations to sing along, as that is very un-centering.)

Call Katina, Your Spiritual Advisor

She’ll be awake! Or, if not, she’s awake now! Hear what she’s eating for breakfast. Make her hold her food up to the phone. Does it sound good, or kind of gross? Either way, use it in your journey.

Whip Up My Ex-Husband’s Favorite Smoothie Recipe

Though I’ve never had breakfast, that doesn’t mean there aren’t strong breakfast proponents in my family! My ex, with whom I still remain close (not close enough that I’ve told him about the whole whale situation, but close enough), used to whip up this treat every morning of our marriage. It was his steadfast companion in good times and bad, and I hope it can be the same for you.

Ingredients

  •  1/2 cup mango, diced
  •  1/4 apple, thriced
  •  3 multiply thrashed Key Largo peppers
  •  1 conch shell (recently vacated)

Preparation

  1. Combine ingredients in blender on high speed.
  2. Top with 3 fingers of top shelf vodka.
  3. Pour 3 fingers of top shelf vodka into a separate glass.
  4. Take the glass with you out onto the veranda.
  5. This is it, isn’t it? This is how things end for you.
  6. Sip the vodka. Slowly forget about the existence of the smoothie.
  7. Somehow, it’s now 2pm.
  8. Bon appetit!

Gabrielle Moss has already forgotten more about juice cleanses than most people learn in a lifetime. She is the author of GLOP: Nontoxic, Expensive Ideas That Will Make You Look Ridiculous and Feel Pretentious, out now from Dey Street Books, and her writing has appeared in Slate, GQ, and elsewhere. Follow her on Twitter @gaby_moss