January 1, 2015 was the absolute worst start to a year I’ve ever had. Or so I can (sort of) remember. I made the mistake of getting too drunk at dinner during New Year’s Eve, so after one complimentary drink at the bar, I lost my memory of the rest of the night. From what I’ve been told, I continued drinking, gave the bartender my wallet, and threw up in an Uber for what would not be the last time that year. When I woke up on my friend’s couch in the bright light of the New Year, it was time for brunch. We canceled.
The lure of New Year’s Day Breakfast is a trap many of us fall into every year. You’ve had raucous nights before and been just fine—why should this be any different? Because you’re a dumb baby who never learns. Say it. That’s right.
Now for the good news: We’ve all been there. The expectations versus reality of your January 1 inaugural meal is all too familiar, so in case you have any delusions that 2017 will be any different, let me give you a brief idea of what’s really going to happen.
Expectation: Freshly pressed juice
What better way to cleanse your body of toxins from the night before than with liquefied nutrients? New year, new you!
Reality: The Diet Coke that’s been sitting out all night
Like turmeric is going anywhere near your stomach after a night of grenadine and champagne. Luckily, the Coke you mixed with rum last night is still on your kitchen table. Crawl over to it and sip it while supine along the floor. You’ll wash your shirt sometime next week... probably.
Expectation: A face-mask with a cup of coffee while watching everyone’s sparkly Snapchats from the night before
Start the year fresh with clear skin and a jolt of caffeine. Your artisanally roasted cup of coffee is the perfect companion to last night’s memories, which you browse while elegantly draped over your chaise lounge.
Reality: Frantically deleting your Instagram pics
No time for coffee: You have to remove all trace of last night’s string of bad decisions you don’t actually remember making. No filter will fix your dead-eyed selfies.
Expectations: A light yogurt before brunch
Because you’re so responsible, you know that your stomach needs sustenance, but not enough to ruin your appetite for your sophisticated brunch!
Reality: Straight puking!
If you put anything in your body, you know it’s just coming right back up.
Expectation: The perfect, calculated hangover cure
Now that you’re pampered, clean, and ready to go, it’s time to reward your success with a big, greasy brunch. Your New Year’s diet starts… tomorrow! Love love love it.
Reality: You forgot to go shopping, so stale tortilla chips it is!
Call your friends, bail on brunch, and curl up with the one thing you have in your pantry: tortilla chips, dry; no salsa.
Expectation: Spend the rest of the day bullet-journaling and snacking on leftovers.
Time to get started on the rest of your life! It’s gonna be the best. year. yet.
Reality: Binge-watching reality TV and ordering Seamless.
And praying that today won’t be indicative of the months to come.