I could've lived my entire life without ever being forced to conjure the image of a grown man with a doughnut wrapped around his dick. But no, that's not the world in which we live. I blame Cosmopolitan, which first recommended the now-infamous doughnut sex tip in 2003. "Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off," they said. "The sugar beads from her mouth tingle on my tip," one anonymous boyfriend said in the original article. And much to my chagrin and reluctant surprise, there are dozens of stories on the internet of intrepid couples who have taken this advice to heart and actually brought a doughnut into the bedroom.
Now that you know that putting doughnuts on dicks is something that people do, the next obvious question is, What kind of doughnut is best for eating off your partner's penis? The general consensus is anything with a hole—be it a Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut, a utilitarian plain doughnut, or even a miniature "donette."
But there is definitely one kind of doughnut that will not work: a doughnut without a hole in the middle. And one man in the United Kingdom was very upset when he realized that he had picked up the wrong kind of doughnut from his local grocery store, Morrisons.
Hoping to use a doughnut as a sex toy, this man brought home a six-pack of sugar ring doughnuts. But when he opened up the bag, he was horrified to find that the doughnuts didn't have holes in the middle, rendering them useless for doughnut sex. So he did what any disgruntled customer does these days: He took a picture of the offending doughnut and tweeted it.
Surprisingly, the customer service rep from Morrisons, who signs tweets as Cam, replied with some solid advice.
Our original poster, however, might've taken Cam's advice to improvise a little too seriously.
So really, if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's that combining food and sex can be dangerous. Just eat your doughnut instead of trying to make it sexy but putting a penis through it. And definitely don't heat it up first.