I’m not here to say that I’m necessarily above purchasing a wooden egg board for $85. After all, I’m a sucker some ridiculous homegoods. But I have a lot of questions about this wooden egg board from Anthropologie that costs $85. It is literally a plank of wood with 12 egg-sized holes drilled into it, and seemingly, its only function is to hold a dozen eggs. Do you know what else holds a dozen eggs? A cardboard carton of a dozen eggs, which does not cost $85. In fact, you could get, like, 17 cartons of eggs for the cost of one of these wooden egg boards. So WTF, then, is the point of this $85 wooden egg board? Here are some of my working theories.
Theory 1: It’s for serving eggs to guests
Maybe this plank of wood is meant to hold already-cooked eggs, like an egg cup of some kind, not as refrigerator storage. But how often are you presenting guests with a dozen fully cooked eggs, still in their shells? Not often enough to spend $85 on it, that’s probably for sure.
Theory 2: It’s sustainable
Maybe this $85 wooden egg board is meant to reduce packaging waste. But let’s take a second and walk through this hypothetical situation in which you did, in fact, spend 85 of your hard-earned dollars on one of these wooden egg boards. The wooden egg board doesn’t have a lid, which I think means it wasn’t designed to tote along to the farmer’s market—and that’s the only place I think of where you might find loose, fresh eggs unless you’re farming chickens yourself. If anything, you’d probably crush your fresh eggs with the board itself during transit.
Now, let’s imagine a scenario in which you’re going to the grocery store and buying a dozen eggs. Are you supposed to transport a cardboard (or plastic, depending on what brand of eggs you get) carton of eggs home home, then take each egg out of the cardboard carton—which, again, does a great job of keeping your eggs in one place—and place it delicately onto this wooden egg board? After all, time is money, and spending your time moving raw eggs from an already perfectly good container into an artisanal one is, by the transitive property, a waste of money.
Theory 3: It’s artisanal
Maybe this wooden egg board costs $85 because it’s artisanal. It is made by hand in Vermont out of “teak-oiled ash wood,” according to the product description. But that seems like a business model that’s doomed to failure. Also, just because something is made by hand, doesn’t mean it needs to cost $85. I, for example, once made a dope macaroni necklace by hand when I was 7, but that doesn’t mean I should’ve charged my mom $85 for it.
Theory 4: It’s space-saving
I could understand spending $85 on a wooden egg board if it was designed to save space in your fridge. But the board is pretty big, coming in at 6.75 inches long and 11.75 inches wide. That’s definitely bigger than your average cardboard egg container, so I don’t think it’s an efficiency thing.
There are currently no reviews for this wooden egg board that costs $85 on Anthropologie’s website, which I hope means no one has been duped into buying it yet. So please, for the love of all that is Instagram-worthy, save your money on this $85 wooden egg board, and buy a stone in a leather pouch instead. (But if you do buy a wooden egg board for $85, or you work at Anthropologie and you sourced this $85 wooden egg board from Vermont in the first place, please send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org to explain yourself.)