I recently heard about your new venture capital firm eighteen94 that is looking to invest $100 million in breakfast technologies and “start-up businesses pioneering new ingredients, foods, packaging, and enabling technology.” Congratulations! That’s exciting, and as a Breakfast Professional and aficionado, I am excited to hear about the ways in which your future projects will revolutionize my mornings. But what really piqued my interest in this new firm was your call for pitches in the breakfast technology space. Since I am a millennial with an entrepreneurial spirit and lots of ideas, I’ve decided to throw my hat into the ring with my own $100 million breakfast pitch: a colony on Mars.
Let me explain.
I started by brainstorming with some experts in the breakfast space—specifically, my coworkers—because capitalism is nothing without poaching some good ideas. And as luck would have it, proper poaching technique is one of the greatest challenges faced by modern-day breakfast enthusiasts, with two of Extra Crispy’s editors clamoring for a machine that could perfectly poach an egg with minimal effort.
This is a great idea, and someone should get on it now, but I don’t think breakfast gadgets are worthy of an investment of the size you’re talking about (unless, of course, you really want to get into the weeds about the physics of spilling coffee on yourself). When I think of a $100 million breakfast idea, I don’t think of appliances, because even the smartest coffeemaker with all of the accompanying apps isn’t disruptive or revolutionary on its own.
I think about systems, how to revolutionize the way you think and talk about and enjoy the first meal of the day. And for me, a breakfast revolution means distilling the perfect breakfast experience into something replicable and sellable, something that you’re stoked to share with your friends and family. It’s not just having new foods that you’ve never seen before, it’s also about having a story to tell along with the dish.
This is where the colony on Mars comes in.
You’re trying to attract millennials, and millennials love adventures, like music festivals in the desert, and backpacking trips around the tropics. And I honestly don’t know if there’s anything more memorable or experiential than breakfast on Mars. A colony on Mars would be the hottest restaurant in the galaxy, probably literally, and you’d have people lining up for weeks to take their own trip. Think about the Instagram opportunities! Those photos would speak for themselves; you’d barely need a marketing budget.
Not only would the location be unique but so would the breakfast, since Mars would also be a perfect location for breakfast innovation almost by necessity. You’d have to create different breakfast foods to bring up in your rockets or a way to eat cereal that won’t cause crumbs that’ll gum up your ship’s equipment. That cereal could then also be sold in earth-bound grocery stores to the losers that are left behind, marketed it as actual space cereal. There’d be such synergy between Mars and Earth, you’d make a fortune. You’d be at the forefront of the latest breakfast technologies. Plus, galaxy-themed foods are trending right now, too, so I’d try to strike while the iron is hot if I were you.
I understand that there aren’t exactly mornings in space, and though that seems like a fatal flaw to this whole plan, it could be to your benefit. Breakfast can be revolutionized and rebranded, from the first meal of the day to the meal of the day. You could make it so that the only food available in space is breakfast, which would almost by definition boost sales.
So, invest in science, in coding, in crumb-proof cereal and rockets and figuring out how to grow plants without gravity, and make breakfast on Mars the ultimate millennial status symbol.
Thank you for taking the time to read my pitch. I look forward to hearing from you soon.