Whatever alien race is in charge of controlling our simulation of 2017 continues to exhibit an absurd streak. Last week, the Washington Post accused Alabama GOP senate candidate Roy Moore (already no stranger to controversy) of sexual misconduct with girls as young as 14 in a thoroughly-reported piece. But that didn’t stop Fox News host Sean Hannity from both (appearing to) claim Moore’s sexual encounter with a 14 year old was “consensual” (a 14 year old could not legally give consent in Alabama in 1979) and giving Moore himself a venue to deny the allegations corroborated by 30 sources a day later on his radio show.
Over the weekend, Keurig, purveyor of single-serve coffee pod solutions, was among four advertisers to pull its ads from Hannity’s program so as to avoid appearing to condone (strongly alleged) child molestation. But because knee-jerk right-wing social media users never miss an opportunity to open a new front in the culture war that only they seem to care about fighting, the calls to #BoycottKeurig were swift and hilarious.
By Saturday night, triggered snowflakes who failed to grasp the irony of their anger at Keurig’s decision as a rational actor in a free market took to destroying their own property to voice their displeasure. The most popular examples included the guy who made that gif of Trump hitting Hillary with a golf ball dropping his Keurig from a balcony and a verified account who claims to be “neither left nor right” taking a page out of Michael Bolton’s playbook and taking a hammer to his coffeemaker Office Space-style. Of course, he didn’t empty the water first and now the floor of his garage is wet. It’s also unclear if he’s seen one of Mike Judge’s other movies, Idiocracy. Sad!
At this point, conservative (over)reaction to brands and businesses who take political stances they do or don’t like has become something of a meme itself. The #TrumpCup movement shows that they fundamentally misunderstand what a boycott is, and doing things like burning expensive NFL season tickets or eating Papa John’s at your wedding rehearsal dinner “to own the libs” is a well-established source of humorin the Twittersphere.
The Keurig outcry is just the latest such self-own, with a small band of arch-conservatives telling the world that they 1. think destroying a product they already paid for sends a message to the wider swath of the country that truly doesn’t care and 2. drink coffee that doesn’t taste all that good on its own. Given that supplement company Nature’s Bounty also pulled ads over Hannity’s defense of Moore, one has to wonder if the Trump Train will deprive themselves of vital nutrients to send a message next.