When I told my roommate I was writing about morning after breakfasts, she adorably asked me “Morning after what?” Drinking, or boinking? I am here to confirm that like an Amy Schumer special, I’m referring to “mostly sex stuff.” Maybe the morning after making out, or playing all-night games of chess (hi, mom and dad). But seriously, as a Grown Ass Woman, I’ve had my fair share of bagels and boys. And whether it’s begrudgingly cooking an egg sandwich for a hungover fling, or rewarding myself for a successful round of mattress gymnastics, I’m having a hard time separating the breakfast from the experiences themselves. After all, both sex and breakfast are the culmination of satiating a primal craving (although, historically, one is much better at satiating me than the other). So from gross to glorious, these are my most memorable post-sexcapade morning after breakfasts, ranked.
11. Over-Reheated Pizza and Lukewarm Water
My new-to-New York Sahara Desert thirst overrode my hunger for something dignified... in any respect. On top of just being generally unsavory, it was neither breakfast food, nor consumed at a normal breakfast time. That probably should’ve tipped me off to the illegitimacy of these relations. That and the “Tinder King” moniker. Anyway, 0/10, would not recommend.
10. Sugar-free Iced Coffee and $6 Cinnamon Scone
What scone is worth $6? Honey-Fig? Almond White Chocolate? Diamondberry? Even if it were Diamondberry, it would’ve probably tasted like the Poor Life Decisions, because this is what you order when you’re 3,000 miles away from home and you don’t have the emotional energy to doctor up your garbage drink. Or change out of your Victoria’s Secret slip.
9. Scrambled Eggs with Salt and Pepper
Courtesy of my then-boyfriend, these eggs fall under the category of “aggressively fine.” However, he would not let me have ketchup with them, which is my favzies, and I think that’s a very telling move. PSA: You do not have to stay with men who don’t want to use condiments. Or who have taken four years off to work on their novella.
8. Orange Coo-lata and Low-fat Blueberry Muffin from Dunkin' Donuts
While not inherently a bad meal, I tie this recurring breakfast pick to naïveté and a failure to realize that (a) Cool-atas do NOT equal orange juice and (b) the muffin is still about a billion calories (ok, 450). It’s something you only order when you’re 17 (and, OK, 19) with your high school boyfriend who still doesn’t have his license.
7. Lemon Pound Cake and Blonde Roast Coffee
Starbucks: for a post-coital snack that says, “You paid for my drinks last night so sure, I’ll get breakfast so long as it’s somewhere I can maximize my reward card.” Also, “Since I only have a $20 on my card right now, I’ll be depriving myself of the Salted Caramel Mocha, and I will always resent you for that.” So yeah, definitely good, I just should’ve gotten the Salted Caramel Mocha.
6. Red Velvet Doughnut, Plain Bagel and Cream Cheese, and Small Coffee
The bagel and cream cheese combo was pretty pedestrian, but you don’t want to get too exotic when ordering bagels from a doughnut shop. The doughnut itself was the trophy for managing to grab breakfast before work and resist throwing up on the G train.
5. Breakfast Burrito and Rice That My Hook-Up Buddy’s Roommate Ordered for Me Through Seamless
Or you know what, it was something in the breakfast burrito vein, I didn’t investigate the situation fully because I was mostly excited about the free-ness of it all.
4. Plain Bagel with Honey-Almond Cream Cheese
Philadelphia-era Mary Grace had a total boner for Manhattan Bagel, and this was a delightful standard pick. What tainted it was ordering in a black bodycon dressing and fringed stockings after someone said to me dryly, “Enjoy your walk of shame.” Yeah, OK, Dan, enjoy utilizing your Masters in Fine Arts to make lattes for a living.
3. Sausage Links and Cheddar Cheese Omelet Courtesy of My Non-Boyfriend’s Super-Hot Dad
Like, of course it was amazing, it was cooked by an actual adult who seemed way too chill about his child doing probable sex things (or at least touting the messy-bunned proof of such the next day). So minus five points because it came with a side dish of awkwardness and the lingering question of, “Are you cool with this because it’s your son and not your daughter, or is it because you are hella divorced?”
2. Coffee with Cream and Sugar, Lightly Toasted Egg Everything Bagel with Vegetable Cream Cheese
This is everything I want in a bagel, really, that marriage of egg and seasonings with decked out cream cheese and quality java. It was warm. It was flavorful. It laughed at all my jokes. It understood my love of Gang of Four. Like, it’s just stupid because it’s perfect for me and I would have it every day but it doesn’t want to answer my texts although last week it liked my Instagram, what do you think that means??
1. Cappuccino and French Toast with Caramelized Brandied Apples and Chantilly Cream
I’ve always said that I want a man that makes me feel dreamy, and this meal put me on a level of dreaminess I may never achieve again. This was full Marie Antoinette status, fam. The apples laid on the buoyant French Toast so exquisitely, and with every sip of my cappuccino I wanted to muse, “I wonder what the peasants are doing today.” Come to think of it, the meal was so glorious I can’t really even remember who I was... wait.
Wait wait wait wait wait.
This was birthday brunch with my gay friend Coochi.
Ugh, forget it, I’ll just die alone and order my own damn frittata.