Our protracted national panic attack will finally come to an end—or just begin—when all the electoral math is tallied on Tuesday night. It may soon be less socially acceptable and physically feasible to sustain ourselves with stress-eaten handfuls of little chocolate doughnuts, Doritos omelets, and nut butter straight from the jar. But there’s still one more culturally-approved day of freakout comfort food breakfasts to be had before we all wake up from this shared nightmare. Might as well make the most of it. (Seriously—the season officially began when Ted Cruz officially announced his intention to run back on March 23, but the Washington Post clocks the first press mention of the 2016 election back to the day after President Obama was elected for the second time. It’s a miracle the entire republic has not yet been wiped out by scurvy.)
A quick Twitter query about people’s anticipated Election Day breakfasts yielded responses like: glazed doughnuts, chorizo breakfast tacos, chili-cheese fries, chicken fingers, frozen pizza, Nutella French toast with bacon, “all the homemade biscuits with all of the jelly and sausage,” biscuits with chocolate gravy, “anything but it has to be double-covered-and smothered,” “Klonopin and black coffee,” and, of course wine—but after noon. We are still a nation possessed of some light wisp of decorum, I’d like to think.
But then again, there’s my go-to “screw it” Doritos omelet, born out of a love for chilaquiles and a reluctance to leave my apartment to get plain tortilla chips. Maybe it’s just a me-thing, but in the spirit of reaching across the aisle to otherwise sane and healthy people who would never otherwise conscience such a deplorable thing, I’m hoping to make it a we-thing. By this time on Wednesday, our nation may be crumbled like so much shake at the bottom of a chip bag, but for now, while we may not go healthily into that good morning, we may at least go sated.
Note: This omelet may also get you through holiday stress, winter-is-never-ending stress, and IT'S-MARCH-ALREADY stress.
Doritos and Pimento Cheese Omelet
Cut butter into a cold skillet and heat to medium-high. The amount of butter should be proportional to your emotional need. Whir eggs (see butter quantity) in a blender or food processor until the mixture is aerated and uniform.
Pour eggs into the heated pan, shake occasionally, then once the edges have begun to solidify pour all the Doritos crumbs and shards into the pan, spreading them as evenly as possible. If need be, crush some larger chips. This thing is all about texture.
Once it’s all thickened up a bit more, dot the surface with pimento cheese, let it start to melt, and then flip or roll the omelet, depending on your personal preference. Serve it on a bed of Doritos with a side of multivitamins. Repeat as needed. Then vote. (Only do that once.)