As a concept, breakfast can be anything you want it to be, as long as you eat it in the morning. Eggs are breakfast. Yogurt is breakfast. Rashers of bacon and sausage and baked beans and broiled tomatoes and toast is definitely breakfast. It doesn’t matter how nutritious it is; if that was the case, children would never be allowed to eat Lucky Charms by the fistful in front of Saturday morning cartoons, and Belgian waffles with whipped cream would be banned outright. I don’t care what you eat for breakfast, really, because who am I to judge. But I draw the line at the new Magic Kingdom breakfast offerings, which appear to have been conceived by a stoned person who can’t figure out what they want to eat, so they will eat it all.
Up first in the new Disney World breakfast menu is the dubious hash brown dog, offered at Casey’s Corner as a “more savory, brunch-like option.” A hash brown dog is what it sounds like—imagine an order of Waffle House hash browns, smothered, covered, diced, and chunked, plopped on top of a foot-long hot dog. Imagine waking up at 8 a.m., stumbling to the Magic Kingdom with your family and ordering one of those bad boys at the start of what will certainly be a very long day of standing in line for Space Mountain and trying not to barf. Imagine eating this thing. In the morning! For breakfast! While hash browns have their place in the breakfast canon, placing this breakfast item on top of a freaking hot dog does not change the hot dog into breakfast. There is no unified theory of transubstantiation when it comes to breakfast food—hash browns on top of a hot dog do not suddenly make the hot dog breakfast.
Following that same theory, the doughnut sundae offered as a breakfast option is equally alarming—“a doughnut topped with your favorite flavor of hand-scooped Edy’s ice cream, hot fudge, apple, whipped cream, peanut butter chips, chocolate chips, and of course, a cherry.”
How! In what world is a banana split that removes the potassium and swaps it out for a carb breakfast? The doughnut’s existence does not mean that this is breakfast; when used in this sort of application, a doughnut becomes a dessert more than anything else. A breakfast sundae sounds like it should be something fairly virtuous—a parfait of yogurt, granola, acai, and a kiwi, maybe. A breakfast sundae is a dish that your parents invent to trick you into eating something decent before you go to school, not an actual ice cream sundae with a doughnut smushed in the middle as an afterthought.
There's also mention of an egg, ham, and tomato waffle sandwich coming later this month. That's a little better, guys. That's more like it.