Life is pain. I made you some toast about it. This ultra-grim troll toast is technically edible—as I imagine all the rainbow, unicorn, mermaid, and other colorful permutations are—but I personally wouldn't bother. Then again, are you feeling gassy? We can talk about these things; this a safe space. I ask because it's made with cream cheese mixed with some activated charcoal that I bought at a bougie grocery store, and it's supposed to help with that. It occurs to me now that the gassiness may be directly related to the cream cheese, and we're friends, and I never thought to ask you if you were lactose intolerant and now we're in this whole ouroboros of flatulence and sorrow and it's all my fault and it's all so exhausting.

But I guess I didn't actually expect anyone to actually consume the troll toast. Are any of us actually under the illusion that anyone is tucking into those garishly-hued slices of bread slathered in cream cheese (or nut milk cheese, if that's how you roll) and various coloring agents that are copycatted all over Instagram? Or getting more than a few post-photo sesh bites or sips into their violently cheery rainbow grilled cheese or unicorn latte and realizing that it tastes like a regular-ass version before being all "nah" and chucking it out from disappointment?

I'm not against happiness, duh, but the calculated optics of happiness tend to bum me the hell out. Maybe I'm not the target audience for these foods, but there's this weird trend toward performative squee—especially with breakfast foods—that seems kind of emotionally taxing and hella disingenuous, and that is a lot to deal with in the morning. 

If you're feeling down, or even just a little bit meh, fix yourself a slice or two of Extra Crispy's troll toast. It just might relieve yourself of the pressure of making an Instagram-blissful meal—and also gas.

Troll Toast

  • Yields: As much as you'd like
  • Total Time: 5 minutes

Ingredients

Directions

  1. Toast the bread. While it's cooling, very carefully snip or slice open a charcoal capsule. The powder therein will burst out and attempt to coat everything in its blast radius in a thin film of soot. so maybe do this in a bowl or glass and wear gloves. Discard the capsule.

  2. Place your desired amount of cream cheese in a bowl, tap a small amount of charcoal in, and stir until it is the appropriate shade of grey, adding more charcoal if you feel like it. Smear on cooled toast, shaking on additional charcoal as desired.

  3. Instagram, then consume until the void in your soul is filled.