You are depleted. You need toast to fuel you. You can make the bread with your own hands. This is a kind and good thing you can do for yourself amidst the all-consuming malaise of the moment. You can flip the script and bite it right back. You can make Cheetos-chunked and crusted bread that is braided not unlike a challah loaf partially because that is an extraordinarily comforting dough to knead and partially because it affords you the opportunity to create Cheetos swirls through the core of it. When it has cooled, you can slice it into thick slabs, smear it with Cheeto-infused cream cheese, and thickly sprinkle it with Cheetos dust for absolutely no symbolic reason at all. It yields an extra loaf if you are planning on sharing like some sort of weird Socialist or something.

Cheetoast with Cheetos Cream Cheese

Note: The active preparation time does not include all of the napping.

  • Yields: Two loaves
  • Cook Time: 50 minutes
  • Hands-On Time: 30 minutes

For the Cheetos bread

For the glaze

For the Cheetos spread

Directions

  1. Roughly chop the Cheetos Crunch into ¼ and ½ inch chunks. Crush Cheetos Puffs in a bag or food processor until you have 2 cups of very fine Cheetos dust. Set both Cheetos preparations aside.

  2. In a large bowl, mix together the yeast, 2 cups of the flour, sugar, salt and butter. Stir them together with a wooden spoon until combined, then slowly add the hot water while stirring with tremendous force. (You could use a mixer, but this is infinitely more therapeutic.) Add the 3 eggs and egg white and fly into a righteous fury until they're mixed in. 

  3. Add 2 cups flour and 1 cup Cheetos Puff dust to the mixture ½ cup at a time until the mass is no longer sticky and you are rage blind and slightly exhausted.

  4. Flour a flat surface (a counter or table works just fine) and knead the dough for 10 minutes as you take deep, slow breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth, releasing all the tension within you. Close your eyes and also add flour as needed. This will contribute to the emotional arc of the bread.

  5. Grease a large bowl, add the dough ball, cover tightly with plastic wrap, and take a nap for an hour. The dough should double in bulk because it's absorbing all of your upset and pain.

  6. When you awake, punch the dough down and knead out any lingering anxieties or bubbles. Cut the dough in half. Flatten each half into a disc and pour half the Cheetos Crunch chunks onto each and knead them in until equitably distributed. 

  7. Slice each half into three separate pieces of equal power and heft, then roll and stretch each one between your palms until it's about 12" long. Roll each one in Cheetos Puff dust until thoroughly coated. Place three rolls parallel to each other on a baking sheet and starting in the middle, braid them together inextricably, then tuck the ends under. Braid the other side. Do the same for the second loaf.

  8. Whisk together 2 yolks, 2 tablespoons sugar, and 2 teaspoons water. Brush this mixture over the surface of the loaves, then sprinkle additional Cheetos dust on the surface to coat. Crush more Cheetos Crunch and Puffs if that movement foments calmness within you.

  9. Let the braided, Cheetos-crusted loaves rise for 40 minutes you slumber. Stumble dreamily toward the stove. Pre-heat the oven to 400°F while not thinking about anything especially upsetting because you get to nap for another 20 minutes after this. When you awake refreshed, slide the loaves into the oven. If you notice the Cheetos starting to burn, tent the loaves lightly in foil. After 40 minutes, check for doneness by inserting a wooden toothpick into the center of the loaves. If it comes out with nothing clinging to it, remove the loaves to cool. If not, bake for an additional 10 minutes or until done.

  10. You have made bread. You are prepared.

  11. While the loaves are cooling, crush as many Cheetos of both sorts as you desire. Stir them into as much cream cheese as it takes. 

  12. Slice the cooled bread into thick slabs and toast. Smear them with Cheetos-impregnated cream cheese, dust with additional Cheetos detritus, and feed yourself to satiety. They cannot take this from you.