You've probably heard your older relatives wax rhapsodic about the unicorn biscuits and gravy of their youth, but when you tasted it for yourself, you thought, "This is fine, but nothing special. Should I be worried about you, Grandpa?" Grandpa is fine and in possession of all his faculties and probably eats more kale and flax than you, so stop it with the casual ageism. The real reason that unicorn biscuits and gravy doesn't taste like it did when Pops was a hungry, strapping young fella is that these days, cooks aren't taking the time to source real handmade, artisan, GMO-free, free-range, organic unicorn sausage. 

All that factory-farmed unicorn meat from Canada has dimmed the sparkle of this classic dish, and that's a shame. It would likely be doomed to disappear into the mists of time had some enterprising Icelandic farmers not rounded up the last of the country's heritage unicorns and—with the help of a generous grant from Bjork—bred them back from the brink of extinction so we can taste and Instagram their distinctive flesh. 

Fret not, tender-hearted gourmand—it is not necessary to actually slay these regal beasts to harvest their meat. A well-trained unicorn will sever its own haunch, flay and debone it, and deposit it in the magical collection bin before it limps off to the regeneration center so no delicate humans need live with the guilt of having harmed one of these creatures, albeit not permanently. It's fine.

If you can get your hands on some of this glorious stuff, you may be tempted to just sear it on the grill, but hold your horses. The unique flavor of unicorn is best showcased in this traditional unicorn biscuits and gravy recipe which uses both the meat and the rich, colorful fat that becomes more vibrant when it's heated and combined with flour and milk. If you happen to score any of the coveted solid, purified unicorn fat (it's still awaiting USDA approval, so you kinda have to know a guy), swap it in for half of the usual butter or lard that your biscuit recipe calls for.

Slice the biscuit in half or keep it whole, slather it lavishly with the brightly-hued gravy and savor only after you've posted a picture to social media. The experience is too magical to go uncaptured.

Unicorn Biscuits and Gravy

Ingredients

Directions

  1. Cook unicorn sausage in a deep skillet over medium heat until most of the fat is rendered and has taken on its signature pastel hue.

  2. Scatter flour over the sausage and stir until the meat is covered in a thick paste. Then slowly whisk in half-and-half until the mixture is to the consistency you desire.

  3. Place biscuits on a plate, spoon on as much unicorn sausage gravy as you'd like. Photograph, post, wait for 100 likes or comments, and serve. Leftovers will keep for up to a millennium.