When Extra Crispy launched back in June we began our exhaustive search for a Bacon Critic. We had a feeling it was going to make a splash, but we never expected to receive over 1600 applications from bacon-obsessed writers around the world. As a brand new site, we were overjoyed with all the attention and emails from readers. Today we announced that we hired New Orleans food writer Scott Gold to be our Bacon Critic, and we’re excited to see the bacon wisdom he splatters all over Extra Crispy. To everyone else who dug deep into their past and pulled out a greasy, bacon-streaked memory, typed it up, and sent it to us, thanks a million. We were truly moved by all the enthusiasm around the Bacon Critic search and appreciate the work you put into your essays. We’re sorry for not replying to all of you individually, but please accept this as a big thank you.
And with that out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff: the weird photos and essays people sent us. In no order, here are the most bizarre Bacon Critic contest entries we feel the world needs to see, edited for length and/or clarity.
The bacon cross back tattoo guy
My love for bacon runs deep. I love it so much I dedicated my one and only tattoo to bacon. Attached is a picture of my bacon masterpiece, designed by me and my tattoo artist. It is approximately 48 slices of delicious bacon forever inked on my back. My dedication is fantastic. Thanks for this opportunity. —Jonah
The Bacon Queen gets hitched
For someone who is obsessed with bacon, coming up with one memory is tough. If I had to pick just one, it would be April 20, 2013, the day I married my Bacon Queen! Our first date was at a Wildwood BBQ in NYC (RIP :( ). The first thing we ate together was a trio of bacon, three thick slabs of bacon with three different sauces. I proposed to her at Pig Island, an annual bacon festival in NY. We usually divide and conquer at bacon festivals, but that day I was by her side all day, waiting for that perfect moment to pop the question. As we were leaving, I finally got up the nerve. Must have been all that sweet pig fat running through my veins. Of course she said yes! —Adam
Mmmm pig cake
Bacon isn't just something I like: It helped pay for the house I grew up in, and now decorates my house in various pig art. Yes, I have a pig tattoo (in honor of my dad), my three-year-old son's favorite food is bacon, and my 30th birthday party cake was a butcher map of a pig, with red velvet cake in the middle for authenticity purposes. Pics or it didn't happen? —Mike
A contestant sitting on Santa’s lap, because why not
Attached please find my entry for your position as Bacon Critic! Thanks for considering me! A photo of me and my husband is also attached… we were at a company Christmas party, so of course we were both sitting on Santa's lap! —Della
When I was in college, I developed the notoriety of being the bacon-loving girl in the class. I loved it. I still wear it as a badge of pride. Once I graduated, got a full time job, and was able to scrape away pennies to get my own car, it was time to go and get a license plate. I was assigned a generic plate, but it just didn’t feel right. Something was missing. This vehicle would be my personal assistant and confidante, day in and day out. I didn’t know what to do. Then my best friend, who had since moved away, sent me a care-package addressed to “Piggylissimo” and inside was a stuffed little pig. I immediately placed it in my car. And then it hit me. I NEEDED A BACON LICENSE PLATE! And so, I attempted to get “BACON” and of course, it was taken. However, since I am a Chicago Cubs fan, I then tried their vanity plate with the ever-so popular word “BACON.” It was available. I paid the astronomical fee in a heartbeat. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen people taking pictures of it and I was also featured in an article about strange license plates online. After several attempts at theft and a few PETA flyers left for me to find on my Jeep, I am so thrilled to be able to spread my love for bacon with this world in this unique way. —Giovanna
Tommy vs. the Facebook Fun Police
I traveled to a bacon festival dressed as bacon to see the actor Kevin Bacon and his band. My name on Facebook used to be Tommy LikesBacon Hemphill until the Facebook Fun Police said it was a fake profile and made me remove my middle name even though I'd had that name for several years. A bacon shot was invented for me by a bartender friend in Orlando and can now be found on drink menus at several places in the Orlando area. I have several friends that have me in their phones as Bacon. To say that I like bacon is an understatement. —Tommy
That perfect whiff makes me wanna slap my momma
Bacon! With its breathtaking aroma and the way it fills all areas with pleasure. When its cooking and I get that perfect whiff makes me wanna slap my momma—not literally, but you guys know exactly what I mean. I've had so many wonderful memories with bacon. It all started when I was a little girl and bacon was cheap so my father would buy about four packs and all the bacon cooking was done on the weekends because on weekdays I couldn't get the full affect because of school. I hate to rush when I'm eating bacon. It needs to be devoured nice and slow so you can taste all the yummy flavors and the decadent oil. Speaking of oil, I know you guys have heard of the dab, but the question is, have you ever heard of Dabbers? —Terrinique
The Baecon Queen
My nickname is Baecon Queen (ugh, we millennials are so clever!). I've DJed an event called Bacon & Braids where bacon was cooked fresh in the club through the entire night. I suppose I haven't mentioned yet I'm a DJ... who has a pound of bacon on her rider for every gig. Most times, promoters fulfill this. Twice, they went overboard and I was greeted by 25 pounds of smoked, porky goodness in the green room. I nearly cried when they announced Unicode approved the bacon emoji. I also low-key enjoy throwing in people’s faces that my doctor says I have the blood pressure of an athlete despite the fact that I’m allergic to jogging. Bacon is manna. —Dani
Finally, some decent turkey bacon
Folks have been eating bacon for centuries! There’s no “news” there; nothing unexpected in understanding how beloved bacon is in our modern culinary culture or in our home and backyard feasts. After all, my favorite bacon image that floats on Facebook is a testament to the elevation of bacon to an integral place in our way of our societal eating and cooking: I call it, Turkey Bacon! —Helen
I was traveling with colleagues from New York City to Florida on business—one of a handful of times in my life I was lucky enough to travel via private jet. Shortly after takeoff, the hostess offered us a cornucopia of healthy breakfast options. With no mention of the “B” word, I told her I wasn’t hungry. She must have seen through my fib, because soon she came back into the cabin, looked at me and said, “I found some bacon in the fridge… would you like some?” I replied “Sure, if it’s not too much trouble.” When she asked “Anything with that?” the crowd was very pleased when I responded, “More bacon.” That evening, we had a fabulous dinner at the Beach Bistro (best tomato soup, but that’s a story for another job application). For dessert… bacon ice cream. Truly a great day! —Kevin
A thing called bacon steak
I want to tell you about the time I ate a bacon steak. I know what you’re thinking. “This girl is delusional. Bacon steak is a totally preposterous, made-up food.” I’m here to prove you wrong and impart to you some very important wisdom: If you have the right butcher, you can rule the world. —Analiese
Salty. Crispy. Savory. Smoky. Juicy. Nothing quite compares. I suspect that in Asgard throughout the hallowed halls of Valhalla legendary heroes revel at mighty oaken tables as Valkyries swoop down amongst them with swords aflame in one hand. Cradled in the other hand is plentiful bacon. —Eddie
The bacon-fueled Spartan
My wife and I are avid obstacle course racers. We spend our weekends playing on monkey bars, crawling through mud under barbed wire, and scrambling over walls and up big hills on race courses all over the country. The Spartan World Championships; a 15-mile race up and down the mountains and ski slopes at Squaw Valley in Lake Tahoe, CA. These races are grueling affairs that involve carrying heavy buckets of rocks up steep slopes, swims through icy-cold water, and contending with the elements at all times. The first seven miles of the race were steeply and relentlessly uphill along trails and access roads to the summit of the mountain several thousand feet above the valley floor. To say that these races are physically demanding is an understatement, and one of the most important considerations in preparing for them is fueling along the way. Most rely on oddly-textured energy gels in a variety of flavors; some bring granola or even beef jerky along to provide energy on the trail. At the ~5 mile mark, we pulled out a ziplock bag with a half pound of honey Sriracha bacon. It may have been the perfect fuel at that point; salt, carbs from the honey, fat, and protein in one amazingly delicious and satisfying package. I have never tasted anything as delicious in my life, and while the rest of the race definitely took its toll, our morale was high because of this perfect snack food. —Chris
My favorite bacon memory… hmm... I would have to say that it’s getting my bacon tattoo. Back in 2012 my roommate's sister Val was visiting. She had been a tattoo artist for 17 years and was moving south to begin working at a new shop. Val had all of her gear with her and offered the house cheap tattoos. I came up with an idea for a bacon tattoo, had my friend Maggie draw it out, and took it to Val. She smiled and said, "This is great! OK, 40 bucks." I told her I didn't have any money, but I DID have foodstamps. So, then she said "OK, get me something yummy." I went to the store and looked in the discounted meat section. There I found a tri tip and a rack of ribs. I brought them home and slapped them on the table in front of Val, and she got this huge grin on her face. She started laughing, and between boasts she spat out "Holy shit! Perfect! You've got yourself a deal!" My roommate grilled while Val inked. It was a great night. —Lyndon
A shout out to that wonderful Bslab
My name is Deejay Adams or what my friends call me, LBK (Little Brown Kid). Yes, I'm a baconholic. Lol I can't get enough of that sweet smell of fresh bacon! I have gone as far as attending bacon festivals, bacon milkshake, bacon beer, bacon with candy, I have the limited edition of Food Network magazine of bacon! So many awesome recipes for cooking that wonderful Bslab. —Deejay
My love for bacon and its crispy, greasy deliciousness goes back to the days of raising a pig named Clover. My grandfather raised Clover to provide our family with plump and juicy pork products. I would play with her in her pen, chase her around, and ride around on her back. Then the day came for her to go to the big pig pen in the sky. It was sad seeing her being butchered, but that was our way of life. —Tracy
Nothing gets you out of the friend zone like bacon flowers
My friend walked me to class like he normally did and left for the day. I thought nothing more of it until I started getting texts in my last class asking what time I would get out and where I would be. Instantly, I started to panic. It is Valentine’s… he's a guy… but just a friend. I figured he's going to pull some sappy, cliche Valentine's gift with chocolate, a stuffed animal, maybe some flowers too, and I had full intention of not receiving it for the sake of keeping our friendship as it was. Definitely going to be a heartbreaking Valentine’s, and I felt bad, but what else should I do? I did not feel the same way.
Going from my class to his car was one of the longest, heaviest walks of my life. I knew what was about to happened, most likely losing a friendship. When I saw him, my heart sank. He was so happy. He told me to close my eyes. I held my breath, praying against the inevitable. When I opened them, he was holding (of course) the most perfect bouquet of bacon roses.
Looking back, I do not know how I did not see it coming. However, my excitement and surprise over those bacon roses surpassed every other emotion I was feeling. Literally, that moment made me see past the friend zone to find this amazing guy who spent hours going over YouTube videos to make me an unforgettable gift.
Eventually, this amazing guy and I grew closer, and a few years later we are making wedding plans.
Thank you, bacon, for being just what we needed to get past the friend zone. —Rachel
Meet The Baconster
Hi, my name's Dave. I like bacon. The only other thing I'm fond of is my poodle. She shares my bacon. Once I wrapped it around my penis like a cosy blanket and she ate it.
Please employ me.
Dave - the baconster